I hear the ticking of the clock,
I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark,
I wonder where you are tonight,
No answer on the telephone,
And the night goes by so very slow,
Oh I hope that it won’t end though,
Alone!
— Heart
Low
The journey to work is no different from normal, the faces I work with are no different from previous days and weeks, the PC on my desk is the same as yesterday. Yet it’s all just a little changed. Everything feels a little more threatening. I’m on edge, waiting, worrying, watching, listening for the other shoe to drop.
I can’t get started this morning, the challenge that a few days or a week ago seemed so welcoming has turned on me and is sat in the screens in front of me, stalking me, looking for the slightest weakness to pounce on me. The trip to the coffee machine seems further today, did someone move my desk?
What’s going on in my head? Why is everything so hard? Why can’t I solve this simple challenge? If one more person tells me to cheer up…
It’s actually ok, I’ve been lower in the past, and I’ll be there again. Everyone goes through periods of their lives where they find their mind is no longer their best friend, and I’ll be ok in a day or so. I always am. But what of those who aren’t?
I have a few friends, not many to be sure, but a close knit group. Of them only two don’t suffer from depression (so far as I’m aware), and suffer far worse than my little downer.
To look at them, or me for that matter, you wouldn’t know anything was wrong. It’s known, by some, as the hidden disease. It’s not an accurate monika, but it’ll do for now, and it makes the point I’m talking about quite well.
You look at probably 100’s of people every day, at the station, in the supermarket, on the street, and unlike a broken leg, or a sprained wrist, there is no indication they are suffering. They put on the best face they can, and try to blend in, because the last thing they (or I) want when they feel like that is to talk about it, and yet that’s the most helpful, effective thing you can do to help. Not “pull yourself together” or “cheer up” but ask them how they are, engage them in conversation, show you care, and that you want to help carry even some small part of their load.
It’s never the big things that bring me down, I can deal with them, it’s the preponderance of small issues, tiny, almost insignificant niggles, that leave me unable to cope for a while. I need to hide for a while, I tend to get accused of not caring, of not pulling my weight, of ignoring others. What’s really happening is that I’m overwhelmed, seemingly by thousands of ants, each a tiny problem I need to deal with, but I can’t because all the others get in the way and stop me thinking clearly enough to solve it.
A simple offer, “can I help”, while often the answer may be “no”, is all that’s needed for me, and I suspect many others, to provide a ladder out of the deep hole we feel ourselves in. It doesn’t “cure” me, but it helps me think clearly, to see that I can put the problems to one side for a moment, and talk about what’s happening between my ears, and that, in a way, is a cure of sorts…
Thank you to all those who’ve been there (and still are), you are a lifeline.
Believe Me…
Believe me when I tell you I lied,
You know you can trust me,
so it doesn’t matter how it hurt,
I did it for a reason.
Believe me when I tell you that I want you,
After I told you that I didn’t,
It doesn’t matter how it hurt,
Because I did it for a reason.
Believe me when I tell you that I understand,
While I trash all you believe in,
Still doesn’t matter how it hurt,
Because I did it for a reason.
I’ll tell you that I love you,
Then tell you I was joking,
I’ll tell you that I need you,
Just not right now,
I’ll tell you that we mean a lot,
Just not enough to matter.
Believe me when I tell you that I cared,
While ignoring how I made you feel,
How I hurt you,
How I crushed you,
How my heal ground you to dust as I passed,
You know I did it for a reason after all.
It was you (1, 2, 3, GO!)
It was you, got me babe
And it was you, who’s changed my way
— Calvin Harris
Do what makes you happy…
Do what makes you happy, but don’t trade the happiness of others to achieve it.
Simple words, fairly wise. Most of us can see that it’s better to be happy than not, and most will agree that our happiness shouldn’t be at the cost of other peoples unhappiness.
What about those who, themselves, will only be happy if they can make you miserable? My ex-wife is an example that leaps to mind, and those of you who know her will, I’m sure, agree that if I achieve happiness she will be completely miserable, she will feel she has, in some way, failed in a mission. Of course the common sense answer is “so what?” or words to that effect. Isn’t it?
Well, while it appears to be common sense, those who truly believe in, and try to live by the opening statement of this post (as I try to, for all my failings) all too often allow those, who have in recent years become known as “haters” or even (incorrectly) “trolls”, to deny us happiness just for the shear hell of it. We try to help those who wouldn’t (and don’t) help us in return. We go without so that others can have, but when we are hurting, lacking, sad, lonely, depressed, or just short of beer money, suddenly we aren’t interesting any more…
It is an important lesson to learn, and it’s tremendously nuanced. Those who are determined to cause your unhappiness, or those who can only be happy if you are not, shouldn’t have a baring on your own decision making, and those who don’t really seem determined to MAKE you unhappy, but just only care when it suits them? Well have a long, hard think about it… How do you suppose that treatment is going to make you feel? Is there any reason that it might make you anything other than unhappy. When it comes down to it, they may not THINK they are deliberately making you unhappy, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are doing exactly that.
Not saying I have the answers here, you understand, I’m just writing a blog post, trying to get it straight in my own mind… And I’m not sure it’s working… I care, too much perhaps, that others are happy, and that all too often leads to complete misery on my part…
Flowers Instead
He longed to visit,
to stay, to share,
But it couldn’t happen,
he gave flowers instead.
Not a substitute, not nearly,
but at least something of him,
Leaving the house he knew they were there,
Reminding her that he really cared.
But in the dark,
sleeping alone,
He though of those flowers,
they just weren’t enough.
A hundred gifts straight from the heart,
Couldn’t fill the void in his arms,
The scent of her skin, the warmth of her breath,
Her arms holding him tight, her voice, her kiss,
All held in his mind, as he drifted to sleep,
He dreamt of a time when she might be with him,
A walk, a visit, somewhere quiet and warm,
A cuddle, with thoughts shared,
No words, none were needed,
Hands held was enough.
As he woke, no companion by his side,
He though of those flowers, his proxy,
I may not be with her, she may wake alone,
But they will be there to witness and remind.
Confusion
What did I say,
Why did you do that,
How can I cope,
Where do I find the strength?
I was never so mean,
Never treated you so bad,
Never said goodbye,
While already returning.
I don’t understand,
Did I cause this,
Help me to see,
Where it all came from.
I know it was good,
I think we were happy,
You said something else,
And left me bewildered.
I still have those feelings,
They’ll not go away,
A constant companion,
A light, a spark, a memory of what was.
I’m confused about the parting
I’m puzzled about the messages
I’m uncertain about the future,
Not even sure about the present.
The one thing I know,
Without fear, doubt or question,
That I still feel as I did,
Before all this confusion.
Breakups…
What does it mean to break up with someone you’ve called girlfriend, lover, partner, companion or wife? How should you cope? Why isn’t there a technical manual with instructions you can follow to get you through it?
Whether you, she, or no one, was to blame it hurts. It’s a pain that no painkiller can reach. For a time it seems that nothing except a return to your former partner can possibly relieve such a terrible pain. Then as time passes, without you noticing the pain starts to reduce. It’s not there all the time, you’re able to concentrate a little better, and doing so starts to distract you from the torment.
After a while (for some, a long while) the pain, hurt and upset leaves altogether and you are finally able to see the entire relationship for what it was, good or bad (more often a combination of both).
But through all this healing, something that no one tends to admit becomes apparent. It’s not mentioned it because it would get in the way of any chance of remaining friends, and worse, it gets in the way in future relationships. What is this surprising revelation?
True love doesn’t fade. If you really loved her, you still will, perhaps forever (I’ve not been around that long yet, I’ll keep you posted).
If you are relieved of the love as well as the pain, it wasn’t love. It might have been great, you may have been supremely happy, and if so don’t ever forget that, but if it’s gone, it was never there. That’s no disrespect to what you did have, it just is.
If, however, it’s still there, then cherish it because you found and felt true love, and that’s the closest to heaven you can get this side of the grass.
I’ve been lucky enough to feel the overpowering, joy, pain, highs and lows of true love twice in my life. Neither relationship worked out as planned, but I still carry both women in a special place in my heart. They were very different feelings though. The first was a gentle, encompassing feeling, while the second was a powerful jolt that surprised me the first time I felt it. Even now, I get a warm glow that’s completely recognisable as the memory of that love when I recall the good times we had, or when I bump into them around town.
Still, breakups suck, but they needn’t be the end, nor should they put you off trying. You just need to be prepared. Don’t hold back, but be realistic – not every relationship works out, not even the truely great ones. Enjoy each day, so once the pain has passed you can look back and smile about how happy you’ve been.
Tenerife Sea
Should this be the last thing I see
I want you to know it’s enough for me
‘Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need
— Ed Sheeran
Relationships…
Relationships are hard.
It’s difficult to know what your partner is thinking (see my previous post on the subject), and even harder to know why.
When it comes down to it we put ourselves through the wringer, opening up all our defences, trusting that we know the other well enough to know they won’t hurt us, either accidentally, or on purpose.
“Here is my heart, please don’t step on it”
And why? What could possibly cause us to risk all we are, and all we feel?
The answer is clear to anyone who’s ever been in love of course – that feeling transcends everything, it makes you a hundred miles tall, you can achieve anything, and without a moment’s hesitation will do so for the one you love. The feeling, the companionship, the friendship, just a touch, it has a power that can’t be put into words. It is what makes life worth living!
The flipside, though is very dark. Just like a drug, the abandonment of a failed relationship is a palpable, violent, harsh, aggressive, destructive thing.
So is it worth it? Is the risk out-weighed by the rewards?
Undoubtedly! With out question it is, but be warned: it’s a hell of a ride, and its never what you think it might be at the outset, it’s always so much more.