Quote

Magic Touch

Once in a lifetime,
You find that power,
To break out and run from the devils deep clutch.
All that you need,
It’s the finest hour,
Is to believe in the magic touch.

— Mike Oldfield

The Feeling Unspoken

Everyday I see your face,
Right here on my screen,
Everyday I feel your touch,
Right here on my skin,
Everyday I hear your laugh,
Right here in my head,
Everyday I feel your love,
Right here in my heart.

Your voice,
In my thoughts,
Your eyes,
In my mind,
Your scent,
In my dreams,
Your presence,
In my arms.

I long to talk,
But have no words to say,
I crave your presence,
Almost every day,
You captivate and astound me,
How have I come your way?

Tongue-tied by your beauty,
Silenced by your smile,
Sustained by your laughter,
Buoyed up by your words.

I feel what I feel,
Though I don’t have the lines,
My heartfelt intentions,
Hide nothing behind,
I go quiet for moments,
When you’d like my words,
But my heart shouts my feelings,
Through the silence it is heard.

Quote

Everyday

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way love’s a little stronger
Come what may
Do you ever long for true love from me

— Buddy Holly

Lights out

Dark,
No power,
Servers, PCs all down,
Users all bewildered milling around Looking to me.

Panic,
Fuse box,
Check breakers are closed,
Looking outside half the street lights are out.

Plan,
Seek help,
Call for the electrician,
It will be half and hour – which one?

Wait,
He arrives,
His keys don’t fit,
We wait yet longer for the right keys.

Suddenly!
Lights on,
In the server room,
Plaintiff electronic alarms cry out my worst fear.

Dead,
Power returned,
Revealing servers in disarray,
Now the work begins repairing the cut’s work.

Finally,
They live!
The steady working hum,
Settles over my small domain, my children safe.

Inspiration

I can’t do it…
I’m here.
I don’t think I can…
I’ll support you.
Perhaps I can consider…
I am with you.

I can.

The thought terrifies,
Your words calm.
The prospect is too daunting,
Your voice relaxes.

A future of challenges,
Of pledges and changes,
The road is rough, narrow and hard,
And long, so long.

You support and console,
You soothe and unwind,
The thoughts I can’t cope with,
Just melt to your touch.

You motivate and spur,
To the next threat confronted,
The peril diminished,
At the sight of your face.

And when the day is done,
All foes subdued,
I can say with no doubt,
That you inspired me.

Always being there…

“How can you do it?” I’m asked, “You are the one who needs help, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, someone to be your friend. How can you always be there for everyone else?”

It’s simple of course, being there for someone takes so little, a short time, a few minutes on the phone, a short drive. It’s no real effort. And the results, the effect it has, can, sometimes, be so profound, not to just never occurs to me!

Being there for yourself, on the other hand, is very hard. When you’ve had all you can take, when life hands you another spoonful of hateful, hurtful, painful, just plain life… It seems like nothing could overcome your pain, your troubles, your hurt.

By comparison, from your perspective, other peoples problems are such a relief from your own thoughts, and if you can help someone, perhaps, just maybe, you can get some respite, an all too brief moment of calm, peace, tranquility. Perhaps even the chance to sleep? Well, lets not over-reach…

“How can I do it?” My answer, “How can I not? Someone needs me, it’s the one thing I can do, and do well. Everything else around me is crumbling to dust. This I can do, I can make a difference, and reduce the world’s pain, even if only a little. And perhaps the universe will notice that I’ve got more than my share at the same time…”

Leaves drifting on by

As the year draws to its inevitable close, so comes a time for thinking about what the last 12 months have held, and what awaits in the next 12. Work, love, friendship, parting and loss… There’s a list (see earlier posts for the highlights).

It is also, however, a time for quite planning, hoping and (insofar as makes any difference) deciding. This is the basis of the “New Years Resolution” tradition, and it’s not a bad idea.

The past only has value, and the future only holds promise, if you learn from both your successes and failures and use this to shape your actions in the present.

So what have I learnt?

* Don’t assume that all you feel is felt in return. Ask! If you can’t talk about everything, you can’t really talk about anything.
* Reach for what you want. It may seem distant, unattainable. It may just be a twinkle in the eye of a dreamer, but those dreams can come true.
* Love with all your heart, live with all your life, but also learn with all your brain.

It’s been a mixed year, with lots of opportunities to learn not to repeat one course of action or another but as the year comes to an end I see a bright star, a possibility, and I’m feeling happier than I’ve been in a long time. Will the outcome be what I’m hoping for? I don’t know, but that’s part of the ride!

It’s time to embrace those possibilities, meet them head on and strive for what I most want.

Bring it on 2016! I’m ready, are you?

When it all ends

Marriage is great, so I’m reliably informed by a number of my friends and I’m quite sure they firmly believe that.

I, however, have found it to be a less than ideal experience.

Betrayal, dishonesty, violence, bad faith, separation and divorce are the memories that stand out most clearly from my recent (and not so recent) past.

Of course I’ve been divorced (this time) for close to a couple of years and separated nearly three, so what’s bugging me now?

A few weeks ago my ex-wife was rushed into hospital, I couldn’t visit because she’d moved to America but she was in the best hospital in the state, so while I was concerned I was sure she’d be OK…

Wait a minute… I was concerned? This was the woman who’d slapped me around on numerous occasions. Beaten the crap out of me more than once. About whom I’d had calls from the police in the middle of the night. The reason I’d installed high security locks and CCTV. Where was the concern coming from? Beats the hell out of me (again!).

That bothered me.

Her daughter was dealing with everything and was getting run through the mill in the process but, through the miracle of the internet, I could be there to support her and that made me at least feel useful, like I could do something to help, not much perhaps, but something.

It didn’t go well and after two agonizing weeks, my ex-wife passed away, without regaining consciousness. For that I was at least grateful. Had she come round and realised what her illness had done to her brain, it would have been worse for her and most especially for her daughter.

I came to realise that part of what was bothering me was the knowledge that I would never find out why. What had I done that was so terrible that the only answer was to beat me up, to terrorise me physically and psychologically.

Is that really so important? Is that what this is about? Perhaps and perhaps not. Truth be told I’ll probably never work that one out.

What worried me more was the relief I felt, or rather, not the relief itself but the guilt about that relief. I was beating myself up for feeling good about the fact that someone was no longer in a position to do so herself.

In the end though I suppose it always comes to this: we don’t choose who touches our lives, why, or even how their absence or passing will affect us. We move through life, interacting with others, affecting them in ways neither we nor they can understand, or even realize.

I try to do good where I can, and where I can’t, at least to do no harm. I sometimes fail, we all do but I try. I’m proud of this (justifiably, I believe) but it also makes me sensitive to the feelings of others (or perhaps I have that backwards, I don’t know) and that makes me vulnerable.

Would I trade my nature for the security of not caring or feeling?

No, never. Of course not, though I often suspect it would make life easier…