Relationships

When it all ends

Marriage is great, so I’m reliably informed by a number of my friends and I’m quite sure they firmly believe that.

I, however, have found it to be a less than ideal experience.

Betrayal, dishonesty, violence, bad faith, separation and divorce are the memories that stand out most clearly from my recent (and not so recent) past.

Of course I’ve been divorced (this time) for close to a couple of years and separated nearly three, so what’s bugging me now?

A few weeks ago my ex-wife was rushed into hospital, I couldn’t visit because she’d moved to America but she was in the best hospital in the state, so while I was concerned I was sure she’d be OK…

Wait a minute… I was concerned? This was the woman who’d slapped me around on numerous occasions. Beaten the crap out of me more than once. About whom I’d had calls from the police in the middle of the night. The reason I’d installed high security locks and CCTV. Where was the concern coming from? Beats the hell out of me (again!).

That bothered me.

Her daughter was dealing with everything and was getting run through the mill in the process but, through the miracle of the internet, I could be there to support her and that made me at least feel useful, like I could do something to help, not much perhaps, but something.

It didn’t go well and after two agonizing weeks, my ex-wife passed away, without regaining consciousness. For that I was at least grateful. Had she come round and realised what her illness had done to her brain, it would have been worse for her and most especially for her daughter.

I came to realise that part of what was bothering me was the knowledge that I would never find out why. What had I done that was so terrible that the only answer was to beat me up, to terrorise me physically and psychologically.

Is that really so important? Is that what this is about? Perhaps and perhaps not. Truth be told I’ll probably never work that one out.

What worried me more was the relief I felt, or rather, not the relief itself but the guilt about that relief. I was beating myself up for feeling good about the fact that someone was no longer in a position to do so herself.

In the end though I suppose it always comes to this: we don’t choose who touches our lives, why, or even how their absence or passing will affect us. We move through life, interacting with others, affecting them in ways neither we nor they can understand, or even realize.

I try to do good where I can, and where I can’t, at least to do no harm. I sometimes fail, we all do but I try. I’m proud of this (justifiably, I believe) but it also makes me sensitive to the feelings of others (or perhaps I have that backwards, I don’t know) and that makes me vulnerable.

Would I trade my nature for the security of not caring or feeling?

No, never. Of course not, though I often suspect it would make life easier…

Believe Me…

Believe me when I tell you I lied,
You know you can trust me,
so it doesn’t matter how it hurt,
I did it for a reason.

Believe me when I tell you that I want you,
After I told you that I didn’t,
It doesn’t matter how it hurt,
Because I did it for a reason.

Believe me when I tell you that I understand,
While I trash all you believe in,
Still doesn’t matter how it hurt,
Because I did it for a reason.

I’ll tell you that I love you,
Then tell you I was joking,
I’ll tell you that I need you,
Just not right now,
I’ll tell you that we mean a lot,
Just not enough to matter.

Believe me when I tell you that I cared,
While ignoring how I made you feel,
How I hurt you,
How I crushed you,
How my heal ground you to dust as I passed,
You know I did it for a reason after all.

Flowers Instead

He longed to visit,
to stay, to share,
But it couldn’t happen,
he gave flowers instead.

Not a substitute, not nearly,
but at least something of him,
Leaving the house he knew they were there,
Reminding her that he really cared.

But in the dark,
sleeping alone,
He though of those flowers,
they just weren’t enough.

A hundred gifts straight from the heart,
Couldn’t fill the void in his arms,
The scent of her skin, the warmth of her breath,
Her arms holding him tight, her voice, her kiss,
All held in his mind, as he drifted to sleep,
He dreamt of a time when she might be with him,
A walk, a visit, somewhere quiet and warm,
A cuddle, with thoughts shared,
No words, none were needed,
Hands held was enough.

As he woke, no companion by his side,
He though of those flowers, his proxy,
I may not be with her, she may wake alone,
But they will be there to witness and remind.

Confusion

What did I say,
Why did you do that,
How can I cope,
Where do I find the strength?

I was never so mean,
Never treated you so bad,
Never said goodbye,
While already returning.

I don’t understand,
Did I cause this,
Help me to see,
Where it all came from.

I know it was good,
I think we were happy,
You said something else,
And left me bewildered.

I still have those feelings,
They’ll not go away,
A constant companion,
A light, a spark, a memory of what was.

I’m confused about the parting
I’m puzzled about the messages
I’m uncertain about the future,
Not even sure about the present.

The one thing I know,
Without fear, doubt or question,
That I still feel as I did,
Before all this confusion.

Breakups…

What does it mean to break up with someone you’ve called girlfriend, lover, partner, companion or wife? How should you cope? Why isn’t there a technical manual with instructions you can follow to get you through it?

Whether you, she, or no one, was to blame it hurts. It’s a pain that no painkiller can reach. For a time it seems that nothing except a return to your former partner can possibly relieve such a terrible pain. Then as time passes, without you noticing the pain starts to reduce. It’s not there all the time, you’re able to concentrate a little better, and doing so starts to distract you from the torment.

After a while (for some, a long while) the pain, hurt and upset leaves altogether and you are finally able to see the entire relationship for what it was, good or bad (more often a combination of both).

But through all this healing, something that no one tends to admit becomes apparent. It’s not mentioned it because it would get in the way of any chance of remaining friends, and worse, it gets in the way in future relationships. What is this surprising revelation?

True love doesn’t fade. If you really loved her, you still will, perhaps forever (I’ve not been around that long yet, I’ll keep you posted).

If you are relieved of the love as well as the pain, it wasn’t love. It might have been great, you may have been supremely happy, and if so don’t ever forget that, but if it’s gone, it was never there. That’s no disrespect to what you did have, it just is.

If, however, it’s still there, then cherish it because you found and felt true love, and that’s the closest to heaven you can get this side of the grass.

I’ve been lucky enough to feel the overpowering, joy, pain, highs and lows of true love twice in my life. Neither relationship worked out as planned, but I still carry both women in a special place in my heart. They were very different feelings though. The first was a gentle, encompassing feeling, while the second was a powerful jolt that surprised me the first time I felt it. Even now, I get a warm glow that’s completely recognisable as the memory of that love when I recall the good times we had, or when I bump into them around town.

Still, breakups suck, but they needn’t be the end, nor should they put you off trying. You just need to be prepared. Don’t hold back, but be realistic – not every relationship works out, not even the truely great ones. Enjoy each day, so once the pain has passed you can look back and smile about how happy you’ve been.

Quote

Tenerife Sea

Should this be the last thing I see
I want you to know it’s enough for me
‘Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need

— Ed Sheeran

Relationships…

Relationships are hard.

It’s difficult to know what your partner is thinking (see my previous post on the subject), and even harder to know why.

When it comes down to it we put ourselves through the wringer, opening up all our defences, trusting that we know the other well enough to know they won’t hurt us, either accidentally, or on purpose.

“Here is my heart, please don’t step on it”

And why? What could possibly cause us to risk all we are, and all we feel?

The answer is clear to anyone who’s ever been in love of course – that feeling transcends everything, it makes you a hundred miles tall, you can achieve anything, and without a moment’s hesitation will do so for the one you love. The feeling, the companionship, the friendship, just a touch, it has a power that can’t be put into words. It is what makes life worth living!

The flipside, though is very dark. Just like a drug, the abandonment of a failed relationship is a palpable, violent, harsh, aggressive, destructive thing.

So is it worth it? Is the risk out-weighed by the rewards?

Undoubtedly! With out question it is, but be warned: it’s a hell of a ride, and its never what you think it might be at the outset, it’s always so much more.

The thoughts of another…

Who knows what’s going on in someone else’s head? All you can do is ask.

Those you trust, and who trust you will tell you in the best way they can explain it.

Even then, they’ve tried to put into words the workings of the most complex structure and powerful computer in the known universe, and then you’ve tried to convert those words back into thoughts within yours.

It’s no wonder there’s so much misunderstanding, and the distrust, hurt and upset that causes: words are clumsy and imprecise – wholy inadequate for the task.

All we can do is try to understand how the other might interpret, process and think about things based on their knowledge and experiences. And we attempt that understanding from a vastly different starting point.

Basically, it’s a non-starter…

Sad really.

The Moon Knew Your Beauty

The moon knew your beauty,
the sun never spilt on it,
only the moon knew.

Visiting by street light,
meeting by lamp light,
never knowing how the sun might cast
a shadow of your face.

Stolen moments,
secret words,
thoughts shared,
bodies touched,
hearts entwined,
but never in the light.

Yet the moon knew your beauty,
it knew your form,
it saw our passion,
the only witness to our love.

Never talking, never telling,
hints, secrets, silence,
sneaking around, quiet, hush.

The journey is short,
yet seldom travelled.
Our hearts beat by phone, by internet,
in time yet seldom together.

Missing, longing,
words felt,
burning to be said,
yet unspoken.

The distance so short,
yet untravelled,
wanting so much,
dreaming so much.

No words, no messages, just thoughts.

Thoughts of missing,
of yearning, of longing,
of belonging, of knowing yet knowing not.

Still the moon knew your beauty,
it smiled and told,
no one.