Month: March 2015

Do what makes you happy…

Do what makes you happy, but don’t trade the happiness of others to achieve it.

Simple words, fairly wise. Most of us can see that it’s better to be happy than not, and most will agree that our happiness shouldn’t be at the cost of other peoples unhappiness.

What about those who, themselves, will only be happy if they can make you miserable? My ex-wife is an example that leaps to mind, and those of you who know her will, I’m sure, agree that if I achieve happiness she will be completely miserable, she will feel she has, in some way, failed in a mission. Of course the common sense answer is “so what?” or words to that effect. Isn’t it?

Well, while it appears to be common sense, those who truly believe in, and try to live by the opening statement of this post (as I try to, for all my failings) all too often allow those, who have in recent years become known as “haters” or even (incorrectly) “trolls”, to deny us happiness just for the shear hell of it. We try to help those who wouldn’t (and don’t) help us in return. We go without so that others can have, but when we are hurting, lacking, sad, lonely, depressed, or just short of beer money, suddenly we aren’t interesting any more…

It is an important lesson to learn, and it’s tremendously nuanced. Those who are determined to cause your unhappiness, or those who can only be happy if you are not, shouldn’t have a baring on your own decision making, and those who don’t really seem determined to MAKE you unhappy, but just only care when it suits them? Well have a long, hard think about it… How do you suppose that treatment is going to make you feel? Is there any reason that it might make you anything other than unhappy. When it comes down to it, they may not THINK they are deliberately making you unhappy, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are doing exactly that.

Not saying I have the answers here, you understand, I’m just writing a blog post, trying to get it straight in my own mind… And I’m not sure it’s working… I care, too much perhaps, that others are happy, and that all too often leads to complete misery on my part…

Flowers Instead

He longed to visit,
to stay, to share,
But it couldn’t happen,
he gave flowers instead.

Not a substitute, not nearly,
but at least something of him,
Leaving the house he knew they were there,
Reminding her that he really cared.

But in the dark,
sleeping alone,
He though of those flowers,
they just weren’t enough.

A hundred gifts straight from the heart,
Couldn’t fill the void in his arms,
The scent of her skin, the warmth of her breath,
Her arms holding him tight, her voice, her kiss,
All held in his mind, as he drifted to sleep,
He dreamt of a time when she might be with him,
A walk, a visit, somewhere quiet and warm,
A cuddle, with thoughts shared,
No words, none were needed,
Hands held was enough.

As he woke, no companion by his side,
He though of those flowers, his proxy,
I may not be with her, she may wake alone,
But they will be there to witness and remind.

Confusion

What did I say,
Why did you do that,
How can I cope,
Where do I find the strength?

I was never so mean,
Never treated you so bad,
Never said goodbye,
While already returning.

I don’t understand,
Did I cause this,
Help me to see,
Where it all came from.

I know it was good,
I think we were happy,
You said something else,
And left me bewildered.

I still have those feelings,
They’ll not go away,
A constant companion,
A light, a spark, a memory of what was.

I’m confused about the parting
I’m puzzled about the messages
I’m uncertain about the future,
Not even sure about the present.

The one thing I know,
Without fear, doubt or question,
That I still feel as I did,
Before all this confusion.

Breakups…

What does it mean to break up with someone you’ve called girlfriend, lover, partner, companion or wife? How should you cope? Why isn’t there a technical manual with instructions you can follow to get you through it?

Whether you, she, or no one, was to blame it hurts. It’s a pain that no painkiller can reach. For a time it seems that nothing except a return to your former partner can possibly relieve such a terrible pain. Then as time passes, without you noticing the pain starts to reduce. It’s not there all the time, you’re able to concentrate a little better, and doing so starts to distract you from the torment.

After a while (for some, a long while) the pain, hurt and upset leaves altogether and you are finally able to see the entire relationship for what it was, good or bad (more often a combination of both).

But through all this healing, something that no one tends to admit becomes apparent. It’s not mentioned it because it would get in the way of any chance of remaining friends, and worse, it gets in the way in future relationships. What is this surprising revelation?

True love doesn’t fade. If you really loved her, you still will, perhaps forever (I’ve not been around that long yet, I’ll keep you posted).

If you are relieved of the love as well as the pain, it wasn’t love. It might have been great, you may have been supremely happy, and if so don’t ever forget that, but if it’s gone, it was never there. That’s no disrespect to what you did have, it just is.

If, however, it’s still there, then cherish it because you found and felt true love, and that’s the closest to heaven you can get this side of the grass.

I’ve been lucky enough to feel the overpowering, joy, pain, highs and lows of true love twice in my life. Neither relationship worked out as planned, but I still carry both women in a special place in my heart. They were very different feelings though. The first was a gentle, encompassing feeling, while the second was a powerful jolt that surprised me the first time I felt it. Even now, I get a warm glow that’s completely recognisable as the memory of that love when I recall the good times we had, or when I bump into them around town.

Still, breakups suck, but they needn’t be the end, nor should they put you off trying. You just need to be prepared. Don’t hold back, but be realistic – not every relationship works out, not even the truely great ones. Enjoy each day, so once the pain has passed you can look back and smile about how happy you’ve been.

Quote

Tenerife Sea

Should this be the last thing I see
I want you to know it’s enough for me
‘Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need

— Ed Sheeran

Relationships…

Relationships are hard.

It’s difficult to know what your partner is thinking (see my previous post on the subject), and even harder to know why.

When it comes down to it we put ourselves through the wringer, opening up all our defences, trusting that we know the other well enough to know they won’t hurt us, either accidentally, or on purpose.

“Here is my heart, please don’t step on it”

And why? What could possibly cause us to risk all we are, and all we feel?

The answer is clear to anyone who’s ever been in love of course – that feeling transcends everything, it makes you a hundred miles tall, you can achieve anything, and without a moment’s hesitation will do so for the one you love. The feeling, the companionship, the friendship, just a touch, it has a power that can’t be put into words. It is what makes life worth living!

The flipside, though is very dark. Just like a drug, the abandonment of a failed relationship is a palpable, violent, harsh, aggressive, destructive thing.

So is it worth it? Is the risk out-weighed by the rewards?

Undoubtedly! With out question it is, but be warned: it’s a hell of a ride, and its never what you think it might be at the outset, it’s always so much more.

The thoughts of another…

Who knows what’s going on in someone else’s head? All you can do is ask.

Those you trust, and who trust you will tell you in the best way they can explain it.

Even then, they’ve tried to put into words the workings of the most complex structure and powerful computer in the known universe, and then you’ve tried to convert those words back into thoughts within yours.

It’s no wonder there’s so much misunderstanding, and the distrust, hurt and upset that causes: words are clumsy and imprecise – wholy inadequate for the task.

All we can do is try to understand how the other might interpret, process and think about things based on their knowledge and experiences. And we attempt that understanding from a vastly different starting point.

Basically, it’s a non-starter…

Sad really.